The Dry Spot

As John Prine Sings:

2007-01-27T09:40:00.000-06:00

"Send my mouth, way down south
and kiss my ass goodbye!"

I'm over here now.

Y'all come!

I've Been Hijacked!

2007-01-26T08:49:00.000-06:00

I tried to log into Blogger this morning, and was forced to switch to new Blogger or else I couldn't access my old posts.

Well, I didn't like New Coke either, and I turned out to be right that time.

Fuggem.

www.thedryspot.wordpress.com

or

www.thedryspot.net

The Latest Craziness from the Sewanee Cemetary

2007-01-26T08:30:00.000-06:00

Apparently, Santa Claus is dead. Sorry about that, kiddies.

What if I Liked Looky Frumpy?

2007-01-25T09:54:00.000-06:00

The NHL unveiled their new jersey of the future at the All-Star game last night. Apparently they are supposed to be much sleeker and more form-fitting. This will allow the players to skate faster and not sweat as much, and apparently judging by last night's 12-9 score, they will be able to find the net more often.

I own about 5 hockey jerseys. I like them because they are big and bulky. Like a sweatshirt, but cooler looking. I'm not sure my frame was ever begging for a fitted jersey to accentuate my curves.

And I'm not even Short and Fat.

I Just Got Back from Dr. Jellyfinger

2007-01-24T13:56:00.000-06:00

I feel so tawdry.

But he did have dreamy eyes.

In all fairness he did say that this wasn't his favorite part of the day either.

Why do they make you sit for twenty minutes on a cold slab in that assless-chap gown staring at a counter with nothing on it but a tube of Fist-Eze lubricant? Couldn't they store that stuff in a drawer somewhere?

On the bright side, the doc told me I seemed pretty healthy and didn't even mention that I could stand to lose a few pounds. He did say it wouldn't hurt if I grew a couple of inches taller, though.

p.s. Lynnster sent me the following email of encouragement, and I quote:

"Fingers crossed that you get a thumbs up from doc today!"

Nice.

In My Continuing Effort to Bring Some Culture to You Buncha Philistines

2007-01-24T08:07:00.000-06:00

Yeah, I know. The last arts event I recommended was a play based on a Saturday morning cartoon. But it rocked! And you're not really all Philistines. Maybe there are some Nabatuans out there...I don't know.

But you do need some more culture. Especially the free kind.

The Tennessee Repertory Theatre is presenting their second David Mamet play in two years. After last years extraordinary production of "Oleanna" they are putting on "Speed the Plow." A tough, witty insiders look at Hollywood and the moral morasses that accompany the life of a producer, this play has a stellar cast and I guarantee it will be wildly entertaining.

But that's not the free part. Most people know who David Mamet is; but usually because of his writing work on television and motion pictures. His theatre drama is some of the best written dialogue I have ever been treated to hear. To remind the general public of some of Mamet's work, the Rep is having a free screening of Mamet's political satire "Wag the Dog" at Sarratt Cinema on the Vanderbilt campus on Thursday at 7:00. Look closely for a young Kirsten Dunst as the poor refugee girl they hire to run through the explosions looking scared. It's a fun movie with a serious message in these volatile times of international policy. Check it out! You can't beat the price.

Back to the play; it's not free but you can't beat live theatre for impactful performances. The production stars David Alford, who I think is a Nashville treasure who doesn't get the attention he deserves, Marin Miller, a wonderful actress in the midst of a breakout year who you may remember as the "Best of Nashville" queen in the Scene this year or from her role of the Adjective Girl in Schoolhouse Rocks and Jessejames Locorriere, a very talented actor who is returning to Nashville after a long hiatus where I think he was either rebuilding motorcycles, singing for Dr. Hook or playing the chainsaw in Jackal. OK, my personal knowledge kinda slacks off at this point in the description.

But that doesn't excuse you from going to the free movie and/or the play. The Dry Spot sez: Check it out!

I'm No Medophile

2007-01-23T14:45:00.000-06:00

I go in for my 100,000 tune-up tomorrow with my new doctor.

You reckon that one day on the treadmill and 30 minutes of peaceful meditation will cure my ills?

Nah, me neither.

You Ever Have One of Those Mornings...

2007-01-23T08:27:00.000-06:00

...where you just hover your mouse over the Outlook Calendar icon because you don't want to click it and see what appointments, emails and reminders it has waiting for you?

*click, click*

Crap.

I Am Not Switching From Blogger to Wordpress

2007-01-22T18:35:00.000-06:00

I am, however, forming an exploratory committee.

Stand by.

p.s. Remember, you can always find me, no matter where I go, at www.thedryspot.net. Please adjust your blogrolls accordingly.

Random Ruminations on the 2nd to Last NFL Weekend

2007-01-21T18:31:00.000-06:00

Noticed first by the DogDoc and RuaBelle:
The little robot in the corner of the screen when Fox comes out of commercials has the exact same gestures and movements as Eddie George when he was warming up on the sidelines before a game. It's like he's an avatar. I wonder if Eddie got any royalties?

Noticed by DogDoc's wife, The Dookie:
Inevitably after the first Colt possession of a game, the camera will show Peyton Manning on the sidelines looking at those fax pictures of the defensive alignments. He usually has a look on his face like someone is holding a little dog turd under his nose.

Speaking of that look, UnaCoachaBomber Belicheck really classes up the sidelines with that hoodie and his ever-present pissed off look. Fuggem.

I sure wouldn't mind seeing free-agent-to-be Asante Samuel lining up at corner on the other side from Pacman Jones next season. But, unfortunately, his price tag is going up every game. He could make me get over my "no more DB's with dreadlocks" prejudice. That assumes we trade that swinging door of a safety Lamont Thompson for a bag of footballs and a used kicking tee.

Rex Grossman may win the Super Bowl, but I don't think he could start for Vanderbilt.

Two African-American coaches, and the NFL has to create the "Rooney Rule" to force teams to interview minority candidates when coaching positions come available?! That's just stupid. Let the dumbass cracker teams that choose not to broaden their pool of possible coaches suffer by continuing to suck.

How 'Bout Dem Dores?!

2007-01-20T15:55:00.000-06:00

The only way this Commodore team could feel more at home in Rupp would be if you moved the benches to the ends of the court.

Hutch deserved this.

Sorry about that, Fishwreck.

Wish You Were Here

2007-01-20T08:44:00.000-06:00

Not only is it a beautiful, clear crisp morning on the mountain, but we found out that these folks are having a convention at Jim Oliver's Smoke House Best Western Lodge in Monteagle.

We're planning to go rap, tap, tapping across some really tiny troll bridges this afternoon. Who's with me?

Ripped from the Headlines

2007-01-19T14:36:00.000-06:00

"Oil Hits 20 Month Low-Saudis Say No Reason to Worry"

Oh, don't you worry about that, you greedy f*cks!

Live Blogging the Windows Vista Launch Event-Session 2

2007-01-18T15:56:00.000-06:00

Ok, I'll admit it. Office 2007 is pretty cool. And it's blogger friendly since you can publish straight from the application.

It's still a knock-off of Google Docs in that respect, though.

And the chairs didn't get any softer during the break. Please send a seat cushion. Or Preparation H.

Live Blogging the Windows Vista Launch Event

2007-01-18T14:24:00.000-06:00

Zzzzzzzzzz.

Oh, sorry. Was I snoring? Damn these chairs at the Opryland Hotel are hard.

2 hours into the afternoon and I think I have Adolph Gates' strategy figured out. Take all the cool features from Mac OS10 and rename them. "They aren't widgets! We call them gadgets." Oh, sorry. My bad. "I know it looks like a dock, but we call it arrow" Uh huh.

The other strategy is to copy one of the most useful universal utilities, Adobe Acrobat Reader, and install Microsoft's proprietary version built in as part of the operating system. They want you to use .xps files instead of .pdf. It smacks of anti-trust to me and I seem to remember it cost Microsoft a few billion (with a b) when they steamrolled Netscape the same way a few years ago.

Lastly, I recommend you invest in memory chip manufacturers cuz this sumbitch hogs some CPU. Don't even think of installing this behemoth without a gig of RAM.

The highlight so far has been when the perky Microsoft demo dude was showing 200 of us a security feature and killed his mouse. Dance, nerd, dance!

This might effectively end my career as a tech reviewer, but I favor truthiness.

BushOla

2007-01-18T08:07:00.000-06:00

Apparently they've announced that the new George W. Bush Presidential Library will be built at SMU.

Bring your own crayons.

If We Could Somehow Harness This Power for Good

2007-01-17T08:13:00.000-06:00

I read in Monday's Tennessean that Kellie Pickler is filling in for Barbara Walters on "The View" this Thursday and Friday. I'm afraid I'll have to miss it since I'll be working, but I'll bet Kellie makes Elisabeth Hasselbeck look like Marilyn vos Savant.

Some of you work-at-home folks give me the review...or not.

Remember This?

2007-01-16T14:14:00.000-06:00

Alia Iacta Est

Consummatum est.

Day 4 Without Caffeine...

2007-01-16T08:04:00.000-06:00

...and really, why go on?

But my BP's down twenty points, so that must be worth something.

And what's with all the media outlets suddenly panicking about "black guys?" That's all I heard on the news last night and this morning.

"Beware of black guys!"

"Conditions are right for black guys to appear almost anywhere tonight and early in the morning, especially in the outlying areas of Nashville."

"Be careful because you might find yourself rounding a corner and suddenly encounter black guys when it's too late to react."

Worst of all, Channel 4 sent Larry Flowers to do a live remote somewhere to warn us about this problem with black guys. I think that's wholly inappropriate. Especially on MLK Day. Can't we all just get along?

Oh, what's that? "Black ice?" What the hell is black ice?

Never mind.

Stress Puppy

2007-01-15T09:06:00.000-06:00

I went by the Minute Clinic Friday after work for the second time in a few weeks to try to do something about this earache that's been bugging me and keeping me awake since before Christmas. I'm not one of those people who wants a scrip for antibiotics every time he gets the sniffles, but enough is enough with this darn infection.

But part of me also thought that some of the ear pain might be related to some TMJ issues. I've never had a problem with that before, but I've noticed I've been gritting my teeth and clenching my jaw lately when some work-related stress has been getting to me.

Now regular readers of the Dry Spot know that I used to give platelets all the time. Until I had a little incident with the Red Cross. That of course turned out to be no big deal.

One of the good things about giving platelets so often was that it was like getting a mini-physical every month. I've always been a pretty healthy kinda guy with blood pressure readings in the 115/75 range month in and month out. So I wasn't too concerned about it when the Minute Clinic nurse practitioner slid the BP cuff over my arm. Yeah, I've been pretty uptight at work and a good friend and coworker got a really bad cancer diagnosis and I've been dealing with some issues with an aging parent who has gotten herself into a financial jam and I'm involved in a couple of really tenuous business ventures and haven't been sleeping well because of this damn earache, but all in all I felt fairly healthy.

156 over 94.

Crap.

Maybe I am a little tense. I took it again a half hour later and it was within 15 points of normal, but WTF?!

And the worst part is that I have my first appointment with a new doctor in 10 days. I haven't had a regular GP in 20 years, instead counting on Doc in the Box to treat my various infirmities throughout the years. But I figured after I turned 40, I'd better get somebody who I could go to on a more regular basis. My new doctor came extremely well recommended by several other docs, (skinny fingers) so I was willing to wait the three months that it took to get a new patient appointment. Apparently, somebody has to die to make room in the schedule. I guess it's kinda like getting promoted from the kiddie table at Thanksgiving.

But your first appointment with a new doctor is like a first date with a woman. I don't want his first impression of me to be that I'm a broke-down stress cur that needs to be put on Xanax and Lipitor. I always brush my teeth three times and floss like a madman before I go to the dentist, and I used to always wash my hair (when I had some) before I'd go to get a haircut.

So I've got two weeks to destress, eat healthy and get my pressure down out of the stroke range.

Crap, crap, crap.

CostCo-nfusion

2007-01-14T14:53:00.000-06:00

Overheard near the big jug-o-pickles aisle:

Two lovely, tall ebony-skinned women were working food demos across the end caps of an aisle and talking back in forth in a beautiful trilling melange of French and Kikongo.

A matronly Belle Meader walks up wearing her post-church finery.

"Excuse me, but what language are y'all talking in?"

"French."

"Oh, are you from Canada?"

"No, we're from Congo."

"Is that near Canada?"

"No, Congo. In Africa."

"Like that movie with the talking monkeys? How precious!"

"?!"

Like That's Ever Gonna Happen

2007-01-12T16:00:00.000-06:00

I clicked through a Yahoo news story about an age discrimination suit being filed against the Grand Ole Opry, and I noticed the following option was offered to me on the side bar of the article.

NEWS ALERTS
alerts

Get an alert when there are new stories about:

* Stonewall Jackson
* Porter Wagoner

I believe they have me confused with my good friend Sista Smiff. (...who I can't believe I scooped on this story...)

Thanks for Your Good Thoughts

2007-01-12T10:27:00.000-06:00

I'm back in town and we're taking it day by day. My friend is incredibly upbeat and optimistic. I guess our job is to be the same around here.

Fingers crossed!

Sorry I Haven't Been Regaling Y'all With Stories From Florida

2007-01-10T22:24:00.000-06:00

As soon as I got here I got some really bad news about a friend and coworker not unlike what Hutch just went through. There's nothing I can do from down here, but I'm feeling pretty damn helpless from a thousand miles away. I don't know what I can do when I get back, but at least I'll have the opportunity of proximity to share my emotions with the folks involved. This sucks.

Whining over for now. Pray for someone you don't know if you have space on your list.

What Kind of Wack Job Am I?

2007-01-09T07:06:00.000-06:00

Yeah, you guessed it. I'm at a three-day conference at the Boca Raton Resort and Club, home of Irv and Saul and the early bird special at Luby's before a rousing game of backgammon, a suspenseful episode of Matlock and the sweet sleep of pre-death as the Weather Channel drones on with the sleep timer of the television. Sounds perfect for me, doesn't it?

Yet I chose to leave this 5 star resort to drive an hour south to an oyster/sports bar in a Best Western so I could meet two old friends and watch Florida kick that Buckeye ass in the BCS Championship Game. And I loved it!

Youth is wasted on the young and luxury is wasted on the classless. Yup, that's me...

I'm Leavin' on a Jet Plane

2007-01-08T09:49:00.000-06:00

How hackneyed was that post title?! Oh well, whaddya expect on a Monday morning.

Speaking of which, Monday mornings are normally brutal travel days, but the Nashville airport is practically deserted. I guess everybody is all traveled out after the holidays.

And it's a good thing too since because of all of the terminal construction going on this place looks like the airport in Nagos, Nigeria that the TSA keeps warning me has inadequate security every time I go through a checkpoint. No problem skipping that place.

Oh well, off to the mouth of the rat.*

*bonus points if you can figure that one out.

I'm Gonna Tell You Something I'll Bet You Didn't Know...

2007-01-06T16:00:00.000-06:00

If you're ever in the woods clearing brush on an unseasonably warm January day, working around a lot of wood piles and moving a bunch of old logs, listening to some Cuban guajira music on your iPod, you'd be amazed how many of the songs begin with a really loud and abrupt rhythm track that sounds exactly like a rattlesnake.

Damn near all of 'em.

Now if you'll excuse me I have to go change my blue jeans.

Schoolhouse Rocks! Rocked!

2007-01-06T08:26:00.000-06:00

And so did:

Me and RUABelle
Sista Smiff
Aunt B and the Butcher
Mr. and Mrs. Short and Fat
Fishwreck
BusyMom
CanIBFrank and Interplanet Janet

and a couple hundred other hipsters who had a great time singing along with songs we didn't remember we knew all the words to. Maybe next time y'all will pay a little more contention to me when I make an artistic recommendation...

Seriously, it was a stone blast. NCT still has public performances going on this weekend and next, albeit without the free beer and popcorn. Y'all go! It beats the hell out of Charlotte's Web.

For details, check out www.nashvillechildrenstheatre.org.

Last Chance to Dance (and Learn)

2007-01-05T10:58:00.000-06:00

Tonight's the big Schoolhouse Rocks! show for adults at the Nashville Children's Theatre.

Please don't make me type the details all over again. Just click the damn link. A good portion of my blogroll is coming. Don't be left out!

Master of My Domain

2007-01-04T09:13:00.000-06:00

One of the most delightful and surprising Christmas presents that I received came from my good buddy over at Fishwreck. He gave me my own domain name! Now he's forgotten more about the internet than I'll ever know, so I'm awful glad that he set this up for me. I was a History major after all.

So behold the glory that is www.thedryspot.net! Go ahead and click it. I'll wait...

Yeah, I know. It brought you back here. Try again. OK, you gotta admit that's pretty cool. It opened up a new window and brought you right back where you were. It's like a magic mirror. And my sitemeter is probably going through the roof with all these circular clicks. (err...maybe not.)

Feel free to cover up your desktop with my glorious old page. As James Brown would say, (if he wasn't cremated and sitting in some creepy bigamist bitch's purse right now) "Hit me three times! Uhn! Uhn! Uhn!"

So why does it just mirror back to this page, you might ask? Because I'm too insecure to leave Blogger yet. Hell, I'm not even willing to go to Blogger Beta because I haven't really figured out Blogger Alpha yet. I know all the cool people are leaving, but I promise to turn the lights off when I'm the last to go. Feel free to change your bookmarks now because whatever I eventually switch to will mirror from here.

And what comes along with a new domain? That's right, email addresses! Of course they all mirror to the same junk account, so anything you send to thedryspot.net will come to me now.

For example, (spammers stop reading now. Oh, and go reach up your own poop chute and pull your intestines out and wrap them around your throat until you choke to death on your own stinky Saddam rope since I'm not standing next to you to do it for you.) if you send email to any of the following addresses, it will come to me now.

CeeElCee@thedryspot.net
CLC@thedryspot.net
ceeeeeeeeeeeeelcee@thedryspot.net
thedryspot@thedryspot.net
smartass@thedryspot.net
dumbass@thedryspot.net
throwrocks@thedryspot.net
whatsthenameoftheAwiththecirclearoundit@thedryspot.net
ampersand@thedryspot.net

I tried to get thedryspot.com when I first started blogging, but it is being held by a company that makes pads to soak up your pissy sheets. That's somehow appropriate. Of course, they're not really using it. Maybe I should get to. The domain name. Not the piss pads.

McLazy

2007-01-03T13:55:00.001-06:00

I guess the new big deal at McDonald's that they're spending millions of dollars to advertise is the fact that they will add the cream and sugar to your scalding hot coffee for you. Will they shake it for me later when I have to pee?

Sheesh.

Lucky Seven

2007-01-02T09:55:00.000-06:00

My Hooterville buddy, NewsComa has asked me to share the seven best things I've done all year. I told her I'm not sure what I did wrong to deserve another meme tag after NaBloPoMo and the 12 Days of Blogger Christmas, but she told me to stop whining and start typing. Alrighty then.

In no particular order, (cuz that's just the way I roll):

1. Took Knuck's advice to start blogging as a writing assignment to myself. The creative stimulation from reading, writing and commenting has distracted me well through some tough times in my personal and professional life. The new friends I've made through this undertaking have really been an unexpected blessing this year. Thanks for being such an easy audience and laughing at my doody jokes.

2. Adopted Nellie the nervous pudelhund. I've always believed that the right dog needs to find you. Nellie needed RUABelle. They had seen each other in two or three separate shelters and foster/adoption events in various places around town, and I'm convinced it was meant to be. the work and patience necessary to overcome her extreme fearfulness has made the good times together even better.

3. Realized how much my late father used money and the fact that we work in a family business to keep me and my brothers in opposition with each other. As we've worked through the finances of the estate, we've also made a lot of progress addressing the dysfunction of our relationships.

4. Admitted to myself finally that I have been bound by golden handcuffs at work for far too long. I have started to take steps toward picking those locks. I subsequently have found out that I just may be kicked to the curb anyway. Oh well. I'm looking forward to the next chapter of this story. Stay tuned.

5. Took RUABelle on very enjoyable trips to Vegas, Napa and Ireland where she was treated like the princess she is. For a change, I didn't do everything on the cheap. I've decided that it's better to put off vacations and save up in advance so you can pay cash as you go rather than suffering through months of bills afterwards

6. I went to my first Masters in April. While it wasn't the perfect trip logistically, it was perfect to me. If I never get to go again, I'll be satisfied. If I get to go 100 more times, I imagine I'll still be breathlessly awed when I walk through those gates and see and smell the azaleas for the first time.

7. I finally learned to say "no" to some people. Not RUABelle or the pets. But I've learned to delegate better at work and just refuse to take on some tasks that really were the responsibility of other people who were just too lazy to do them and knew that I wouldn't let the ball they dropped hit the ground. I also undertook a much-needed inventory of my volunteer and non-profit work to decide which groups I really wanted to stick with and which ones I could make the most meaningful contribution to.

So those are the highlights of 2006 for me. I guess I could tag somebody else; but I won't. (cuz that's just the way I roll.)

I Smell a Completionist Road Trip Coming On

2007-01-01T18:27:00.000-06:00

I've got nine states left to visit. Can anybody think of a reason to go to Delaware other than to set up a corporation or declare bankruptcy?

Just Five More Minutes, Mom!

2006-12-29T08:04:00.000-06:00

One of the most dangerous Microsoft Outlook features is the ability to hit the snooze button on tasks that you have put on your to do list. I just had one pop up that said "48 weeks overdue."

Oops.

Bowling for Dollars

2006-12-28T12:48:00.000-06:00

For some people-watching fun, may I wholeheartedly recommend Opry Mills mall the day before the Music City Bowl. It helps that Clemson and Kentucky are playing and have brought their, ahem, colorful fan base to town.

Let me just say the Earnhardt memorabilia was flyin' off the shelves at the Bass Pro Shop...

Take a Short Trip in a Time Machine with Me

2006-12-27T15:25:00.000-06:00

One of the problems with my "12 Days of Blogger Christmas" series was that I hated to interrupt the flow of it unless it was something important. Y'know like earning 20 bucks reviewing a hotel site or bitching about tipping my garbagemen who I've never even seen, much less met before. So I totally missed out on the chance to give y'all two trip reports so that you can vicariously share the joy of being a biz-pig traveler on stupid overnight jaunts. Two weeks ago was a quick one day scramble to Dallas via Kansas City and Houston which was neither enjoyable nor memorable. As a matter of fact, it's starting to get a little hazy now, so let's just forget about that one, n'est-ce pas?

But last week, I got to sneak up to Washington D.C. for a day and a night to visit some old college buddies, so here are the random notes from that trip:

The main reason I headed up there was to see one of my best friends from Stanford. He's from Korea and serves as an advisor and professor at some think tank that is dealing with North Korea/South Korea issues. His father was the Korean ambassador to Nigeria and Australia when I knew him in college; needless to say my friend is quite international. He went to high school in Massachusetts and is a die-hard Red Sox fan so I guess he's really sort of a mutt. He's been working as a fellow at the Brookings Institute for a year and a half and was just about to return with his family to Seoul when I decided that I would have been a real shitheel if I hadn't made it a point to visit him before he left.

I won't bore you with my usual claptrap about how I used nothing but buses and trains to get to the Nashville Airport and around D.C., but I did. And, come to think of it, I guess I did just bore you...

The Metro dropped me off right in front of the Smithsonian, and since I was only packing a small backpack with me I figured I'd hike around the Mall a little bit before I met up with my college friends. Unfortunately, D.C. distances are like Vegas distances due to the size of the structures involved. "Aw hell, the Washington Monument's right over there. I'll just hoof it on down." Two hours and several blisters later, I finally made it back to the brew pub where we were supposed to meet up.

I did take a few cool pictures along the way, though.

Monumental Eclipse

Lincoln.

No, it's not.

After an enjoyable night of visiting, catching up on old times and taking an around the world tour of expensive beers, the next morning I had a couple hours to kill before heading back to the airport. I figured some of the Smithsonian Museums would be better than one more beer at the airport bar, so off I went. Besides, the museums are free, err...I mean I paid for part of them with my tax dollars and I might as well avail myself of them.

Getting to the Museum of Natural History right as it opened, I did the 30 minute tour. All the school age kids ran straight to the dinosaurs, but I figuired they weren't going anywhere. Instead I headed upstairs to be the first one of the day to see the Hope Diamond and all the other mega-gems in the mineral exhibit. I got to tour the space exhibit in total peace and even touch a piece of rock from Mars. Pretty cool. They also have an amazing exhibit of nature photography in one of the temporary galleries that was well worth the ten minutes I spent there. I was going to buy RUABelle a souvenir, but I figured that after sixteen years together as a happily unmarried couple, a t-shirt with a big ass diamond on it emblazoned with the word "HOPE" might not have been the most sensitive of gifts.

Then I headed down to the National Gallery. Two huge gallery buildings make up the complex, but I just went to the collection of pre-20th century art. It is in a beautiful building constructed of Tennessee marble which stretched several blocks. Anticipating patrons like me with time constraints and the attention span of a golden retriever puppy, the Smithsonian has actually put together a 60 minute gallery tour and map.

I saw almost everything on the itinerary, including the only DaVinci painting in the U.S. (recently restored to an incredible brightness-that must have been a scary job), and a lot of other great pieces by Rapahel, Van Eyck, Rubens, Rembrandt, Vermeer (the Girl with a Pearl Earring dude), Monet, Manet, Cezanne, Botticelli and Toulouse-Lautrec. I would have seen all of the pieces on the quickie tour, but the gallery was sparsely attended on this dreary cold December morning. That meant in most of the small individual galleries it was just me and a uniformed security guard. How is that a problem, you ask?

First of all, it made me nervous having them looking over my shoulder and walking two paces behind me until they passed me off to the guard in the next room. Maybe I shouldn't have worn my Basque Separatist t-shirt and toted that bottle of HCl around with me.

Secondly, being the polite friendly southerner that I am, I felt the need to say "howdy" to every guard as I entered each gallery and made intitial eye contact. 25 "howdys" probably cost me the chance to complete the "crystal meth crankin' tour" of the collection.

Wandering back to the Metro to head for the airport, I was struck that Reagan National is even open after 9/11. The flight paths of jet after jet forced them to bank steeply to wend their way around tall buildings and monuments as they dodge a steady stream of military helicopters and flocks of Canadian geese. And the Capital and the White House are only 30 seconds off of the final approach path. I don't know what kind of armamant they have on top of the White House since Google Maps has airbrushed it out. But whoever mans the battle station has about 15 seconds to make a decision if there's even a perceived threat on the property and whatever they use to defend the area in that short of a distance must be pretty bad-ass.

I think next time I'll fly into Baltimore and take the train in.

I Got What I Wanted for Xmas

2006-12-26T18:13:00.000-06:00

The 12 Days of Blogger Christmas (Day 13)<

2006-12-23T08:14:00.000-06:00

That's all I got. I'm beat. I think I'll take a long winter's nap now.

Happy holidays, everybody!

(Except for you, Sista. Merry Christmas to you.)

The 12 Days of Blogger Christmas (Day 12)

2006-12-22T09:34:00.000-06:00

"Of the Good"

A woman of uncommon beauty

uncharacteristically silent

stands in the kitchen drinking coffee

in a house where her mother

once was

staring at where a tree

once was

wondering what

once was

will be.

Her shoulders bow

under the weight of a self-imposed load.

She bears it gracefully.

Usually.

Few know the gravity

beneath the levity.

A pink tongue tickles her exposed ankle.

A strong, soft hand touches her neck.

Neither startles her.

Instead she cocks her head to the side,

Trapping long fingers between her shoulder

and her curly locks.

"Let's go upstairs."

sigh.

The 12 Days of Blogger Christmas (Day 11)

2006-12-21T08:10:00.000-06:00

The naming of Kat is a difficult thing
With so many choices to choose
To find the right name that has the right ring
I really don't think I can lose.

Libertarian, knitter, bunco group leader,
Wife, friend, pet owner and daughter,
Talented writer, voracious reader
Of Atticus, Frodo and Potter.

Katherine, Katy, Kathy or Kay,
Zevon fan, graphic designer.
I get less done in a whole day
Than she does from her recliner.

Of course it's not fair to compare me to her
And all of her Hogwart-like powers.
When I'm abed and have ceased to stir,
She uses all twenty-four hours.

Renaissance woman, forensic foe,
Moral compass of NiT.
Editrix, KC, Ren* and K-Co.
*"Kather-Ren," not "and Stimpy."

Too many names. I can't settle on one.
It's taken me down to the mat.
So after all of this exercise's done,
I'm honored to know her as Kat.

The 12 Days of Blogger Christmas (Day 10)

2006-12-20T07:22:00.000-06:00

For Sista Smiff, what else could do but a rousing Bluegrass breakdown?

Feel free to pick along Rex. Somewhere in the neighborhood of G.

Chorus

You know that she is my Sista!
Dedicated to her Mista.
But sometimes I wishta
Been the first who kista.

Spoken in a Waylon Jennings/Dukes of Hazzard style over the instrumental break:

"Of course I don't mean "sista" and "kista" in the Appalachian sense. We all recognize the sanctity of the matrimonial vows and the fact that Sista's Mista is about six foot fourteen inches tall and frequently wields a tool of rosewood and wire about the size of a Mini Cooper. I'm just sayin' is all..."

Repeat chorus

You know that she is my Sista!
Dedicated to her Mista.
But sometimes I wishta
Been the first who kista.

Verse

She's a name dropper
She's a show stopper
She's a WalMart shopper
She's a gravy sopper.

Waylon again:

"But is it really name dropping if you actually know the person you're talking about? I don't think so. And neither does my friend Dale Earnhardt, jr. Say hello, Dale."

Dale, jr. (If we can get his agent to return our calls):

"Howdy, y'all!"

Verse

Wishes she wuz Paula Deen
Cooks a mean turnip green
Loves her some hot cuisine
She's our blogger queen.

Repeat chorus

You know that she is my Sista!
Dedicated to her Mista.
But sometimes I wishta
Been the first who kista.

Waylon:

"Mmmm, I could sure go for some of that Sista home cookin right about now. How about a banjo solo while I go eat? Take it Rex!"

64 bar banjo solo. Go ahead and go to the kitchen for a snack. We'll wait.

Verse

She's a fast talker
And a Osmond stalker.
I'm just a mall walker.
Who's a silly Focker.

Waylon:

"I have nipples, Focker. Could you milk me?"

Repeat chorus

You know that she is my Sista!
Dedicated to her Mista.
But sometimes I wishta
Been the first who kista.

Waylon:

"Again let me reiterate the use of the 1st person is traditional in the folk song genre and in no way is meant to represent any particular person in any way that might impugn anyone's reputation or get anybody's ass kicked."

But sometimes I wishta
Been the first,
Been the first,
Been the fiiiiirrrrrrrrrrrst
Who kistaaaaaah!

Waylon:

"She's your Sista. You know you love her."

The 12 Days of Blogger Christmas (Day 9)

2006-12-19T10:25:00.000-06:00

BusyMom
click-through poetry

Busy/Mom

Funny/Sad

Cranky/Comforting

Overwhelmed/Nurturing

Mainstream/Quirky

Anonymous/Eponymous

I'm not done talking yet...

Mother/Daughter

Playful/Serious

Poetic/Profane

Speed Demon/Minivan Driver

I'm done now!

Another 12 Days Interlude

2006-12-19T07:57:00.000-06:00

Am I the only one that's such a cheap bastard that they won't get a haircut in December or put the trash out the week before Xmas because you don't want to leave a holiday tip?

It's gettin' shaggy and stanky around here...

The 12 Days of Blogger Christmas (Day 8)

2006-12-18T09:43:00.000-06:00

K to the Woo to the 2

or

"When I'm calling woo-oo-oo-oo-oo. Will you answer Twuu-uu-uu-uu-uu?"
Bad Nelson Eddy/Jeannette McDonald Kerry0ke

Here's to the wonderful Wonder Dawg. Kerry Woo. Kerry Woo.

Renowned gadgeteer. PS2. PS2.

Mothership lover. BBQ. BBQ.

Practical joker. Pac Man, Boo! Pac Man, Boo!

Phoblographer. He'll out you. He'll out you.

Breaking stereotypes. 6' 2". 6' 2".

Affirming stereotypes. Knows kung-fu. Knows kung-fu.

Obsessed with origami. I am too. I am too.

Hoarder of vinyl. Zeppelin II. Zeppelin II.

Big Dawg Promise Keeper. Cares for you. Cares for you.

Lives every day to help others. You should too. You should too.

The 12 Days of Blogger Christmas (Day 7)

2006-12-17T19:47:00.000-06:00

The Pantheon Limericks (part 2)

Janus

The anonymous Holiday Grinch

Isn’t me-not a foot, not an inch.

She claims to be cynical,

But in terms more rabbinical

Compared to me she’s quite a mensch.

Arkate and Alpanu

I’m sleeping in Sarcastro’s bed.

Hey, I bought it from him! And he said,

“It’s been lucky for me.”

Then how come I see

An impression of Exador’s head?

Deverra and Intercidona

I love not one Sara, but two.

Nashville Clark, Californian Sue.

Ribald and plucky,

I really am lucky

That their humor hue tends to the blue.

Cupra

Malia's a pretty cool cat.

Maliakainanani, that's phat.

She makes me start tryin'

To talk dirty in Hawaiian

Or say, "Can I buy a vowel, Pat?"

Rosmerta

Not all poison ivies give rashes.

There's one who absolutely thrashes.

She's really bad, bad

Cuz she actually had

Checks for blogging that she cashes.

Telche

A lovely young lady named Kate-O,

Means B-Dub cannot hardly wait-o

To click her profile

And see that winsome smile

And settle down with a nice cup of Earl Grey.

The 12 Days of Blogger Christmas (Day 6)

2006-12-16T10:24:00.000-06:00

The Pantheon Limericks (part 1)

Haruspices

There was a fanatic named Hutch,

Whose teams would perform in the clutch.

His beloved Titans

Started piling up wins.

But his Commodores, eh, not so much.

Artemis

A Memphian blogger named Lynnster,

Too beautiful to stay a spinster.

She’s delightfully spunky,

And her tastes are quite funky.

She’s registered with Howard Finnster.

Hera

A Girl Scout leader from Smyrner,

May put blogging on the back burner.

It’s true Kathy T.

May give up realty

If her wrinkle book is a page turner.

Gemini

Duplicate blogger names are a mess,

Sometimes causing young Brittney stress.

Jag-he or Jag-she?

Well, personally,

I prefer my Jag testicless.

Quirinus

That Volunteer Voter Kleinheider

Is the right wing’s pit bull of a fighter.

But sometimes I think

That if he were a drink,

Aunt B. would want Carter in cider.

We Interrupt the 12 Days of Blogger Christmas for the Following Paid Commercial Announcement

2006-12-15T13:17:00.000-06:00

First of all, thanks for all the kind comments and ego stroking on my poetry efforts. But y'all do know that I have no freakin' idea what I'm doing? I'm just pretending to be able to write, and frankly it's pretty exhausting. I once took a two week poetry writing class during our Winterim enrichment period during high school. On the day I was supposed to present my work to the class, the guy before spent a half hour presenting his tone poem about a horrifying event that happened during his childhood. I still vividly remember the last line, "I floated down the stairs petrified with terror, and stepped into a puddle, of Dad." It was pretty wicked stuff.

I had written a really dreadful song about a Dungeons and Dragon character. Something like "I Got Them Half-Orc Blues," or some crap like that. After the therapy session of the first guy's poem parsing, I just said I hadn't finished yet and took the incomplete. Coleridge, I ain't.

But in the middle of this poetry cycle came an opportunity from www.reviewme.com to review www.hotelreservations.com . Hmm, a conundrum. These reviews are time sensitive, and I sorta made a commitment to follow through with the assignment, even if it is in the middle of the holiday season and my "gifts" of poetry to my favorite bloggers. Can I really interrupt this artistic cycle to insert the crass commercialization of a paid review?

Of course I can! That's exactly what you all would expect here at The Dry Spot. I follow through with my commitments and never flinch from the opportunity to insert some capitalism amongst the sentimentality.

Plus [REVIEW BEGINS HERE IF YOU HAVEN'T BEEN PAYING ATTENTION], www.hotelreservations.com is a pretty cool site. I'm one of those geeks who likes to make all of his own travel reservations, despite the fact that we have a corporate travel agent. I know that whatever fee they charge is probably cheaper than the time I spend jumping around from site to site, comparing flights and hotel pricing. Until recently, I primarily used travelocity.com as the conduit for these searches.

Then last month, I had a really bad experience with them. Without going into too much detail, let's just say that they switched a flight to an entirely different day without telling me and that I spent three hours on a Sunday night talking to a guy named "Lucky" (yeah, right) in Calcutta trying to work out the problem. This was compounded by the fact that travelocity.com's hold music has a 30 second loop of cool jazz guitar licks that I know I heard 200 times during the time that I was on hold waiting for "Lucky" (yeah, right), and you can imagine my level of frustration. Eventually I told "Lucky" (yeah, right), "Sir, you realize that what we're doing know is arguing over the end of our business relationship. You guys tell me that I'm a V.I.P. Member, but I'm not feeling very "I" right now!" So a month later, they refunded the money that was wasted on a hotel reservation that was rendered unusable by the fact that they had moved my flight to the day after I was due to check out. Nice.

So the timing is perfect if somebody wanted to try to sell me on a new travel research/booking site. And along comes www.hotelreservations.com. The site is sparsely, but attractively designed. Not that it helps me, but I appreciate the fact that you can choose your language and currency to display the information right on the opening home page. In addition to the expected airline, hotel and rental car options, www.hotelreservations.com also offers vacation packages and vacation rental properties, both of which distinguish them most other travel reservation sites. They also offer the opportunity to talk to living, breathing humans if you need help. I don't know what country they are in, but even if there are cattle in the street outside the window from their cubicle, they have to be better than travelocity.com.

I also liked the little details like the fact that when you enter a proposed departure or check-in date, the little calendar thingy automatically changes to display the dates following, rather than just defaulting to January or the current month. This feature would certainly help to avoid people (ahem, I'm looking at you, "Lucky" (yeah, right)) accidentally scheduling return flights for the day before they leave or hotel departures before their flights arrive. Can you tell I'm still steaming?

They also have a "travel roulette" page where you can just check out the deals from the top U.S. and international travel destinations. If you have lots of free time and money, I'll bet it would be fun to use this feature to plan trips or just to dream about them. Of course, if you have all this free time and money, why are you visiting this site? Go chase a Hilton sister.

So www.hotelreservations.com will at least earn a crack at my business. Their timing is perfect; their interface is easy and intuitive to use; and their pricing seems competitive with most other travel sites. The Dry Spot says give them a gander. If you choose to use that other site instead, say howdy to "Lucky" (yeah, right) for me.

We now return to the unbridled sentimentality of the holidays. Ho, ho, ho.

The 12 Days of Blogger Christmas (Day 5)

2006-12-15T09:51:00.000-06:00

"Para la Tia a Que Adoro"

When thinking of a poem to write for B
The bee I fear is buzzing in my bonnet.
At least one detail is nailed down for me.
The structure must, of course, be of a sonnet.

I do not have her writer's eye or ear
For poetry or Wigglebottom's barkin'.
So should I write a poem like Will Shakespeare,
Or maybe one a little more Petrarchan?

What do I know from trochees and iambs?
My gift is not for consonants and vowels.
B's posts would win in Eminem's rap slams.
I write about my poodle and my bowels.

The couplet's come, so please try not to heckle.
I'd give my eye to see that famous freckle.

The 12 Days of Blogger Christmas (Day 4)

2006-12-14T08:35:00.000-06:00

Rex, Rex, Rex L. Camino.

How you vex, vex, vex the amino

Acids coursing through my brain,

Connecting synapses-bringing me pain

As coffee shoots out through my nose

On my keyboard-on my clothes.

Giggles pealing through my head

Chortling at what I just read.

Coworkers checking in on me,

"Are you alright? Did you just pee

Your pants, you silly little twit?"

"No, I've been slain by Rex's wit."

"Well, shut the hell up. It's hard to work.

And blog on your own time you selfish jerk."

"I quit then! Take this job and shove it!

I'll stay at home, read Rex and love it."

To Mr. Camino I offer this rhyme.

I may be broke, but I have my time.

The 12 Days of Blogger Christmas (Day 3)

2006-12-13T08:23:00.000-06:00

"Lovely Brittney"

g
n
i
m
o
o
l
B like a hothouse flower, before our EYES as she becomes more comfortable
in her own skin

the Den Mother of a Cub Scout troop on acid

Uses her bartending skills to bring out the best in the shiest and put off the worst in the brashest

gentle but tough
soft but rough

carries her minor celebrity status within the geekosphere with an affable grace

OPEN to everyone but the CLOSEminded

She's no Log Lady-She's our Blog Lady.

The 12 Days of Blogger Christmas (Day 2)

2006-12-12T09:43:00.000-06:00

"Song of My Pork"

I CELEBRATE my pork and sing my pig;
and every butt I rub, I rub for you
Each rib, stroked lovingly, covered with my sauce.

The ivory shaft of loin
Grows taut as I caress it,
Perfumed with my cumin.

It is for your mouth forever--you are in love with it.
I will go to the stack of wood
And stoke your flames.

2

I breathe the smoky fragrance--the heady perfume of the funk.
I know it shortens my life
With each whiff. It is my art. My gift to the world.

My clothes smell of the funk.
My hair reeks of the funk.
My soul oozes the funk.

The bass line of my being thumps along with your heart,
As a red trickle escapes your lips and
Smears your chin.

3

The tang of the cheese makes your tongue
Recoil with surprise and delight.
The buttery texture of the mac slides down your throat.
There is no opportunity to refuse its intrusion.

Pintos-peppery and potent.
Like sparks exploding in your mouth.
You must have more, More, MORE.

Apples smelling of Christmas and heaven,
Tasting like the devil's ambrosia.
There is a heady rush of heroin in these sides.

4

I stand behind the counter;
I lean upon my elbow with my chin upon my hand.
I am always here. Waiting for you. Needing you. Come to me.

You will be satisfied.
Sassified.
Satiated.
Sated.
Fully and passionately Knucked.

The 12 Days of Blogger Christmas (Day 1)

2006-12-11T13:52:00.000-06:00

I'm not just being all warm and fuzzy around the holidays, but one of the real blessings of this year has been all the new interesting people I have met through blogging. I'm fairly positive that I have met more people that I consider to be my friends than in any year since I was a freshman in college. The intellectual stimulation I have gotten from reading and writing has really brightened what could have otherwise have been an extremely stressful year.

The downside of making all these new friends is that I'm too cheap to buy everybody Christmas presents and, as regular readers know, I'm kinda against the overcommercialization of the holidays. So what is the DrySpot to do to recognize and honor the friends I now treasure, while at the same time not contributing to the crass excess of the yule season? (And despite common belief, I'm not The Holiday Grinch . If you came to the blogger holiday party, you'd know she's a lot better looking and more interesting than I am.)

Like the little drummer boy, I have no gifts to bring (pa rumm pumm pumm pumm). So I figured, what the hell? Why not give the gift of poetry? Despite the fact that I have no history or aptitude for the medium, how hard could it be? Just make some words rhyme and leave out some punctuation and a few carriage returns and voila, poetry!

So to kick off this holiday train wreck in honor of my favorite bloggers, I offer "The Short and Fat Haiku Cycle."

He is Short and Fat.
Yes, he is. No, he isn't.
He has deceived us.

I like to kid kim.
I joke that he is tiny.
He could beat me up.

He dreams of glory.
On the ice. With the frisbee.
Gretzky isn't scared.

He is a great boss.
If you believe in silence.
If not, hit the road.

He keeps the world safe
From corporate pigz like me.
Buckle your seat belt.

Military man.
Proud father to Baby Fat.
Gunfire on prom night.

Is he god or man?
It's impossible to tell
The truth from fiction.

Lolly, Lolly, Lolly Get Your Cold Beer Here!

2006-12-11T11:40:00.000-06:00

How would you like a chance to get all “Rocky Horror” on your favorite Saturday morning educational songs? While drinking a beer in the same theatre that your second grade teacher told you to “get your damn feet off of the chair in front of you!”? (Well maybe that was just me)

Of course you would! Then you should come on down to Schoolhouse Drinks!, er Rocks! at the Nashville Children’s Theatre on Friday January 5 at 6:30 pm.

And as a special incentive to my friends and as a way to show my support for the Theatre, email me that you want to come and I’ll personally pay $10.00 toward your admission. So that makes it only $15 a head for an evening of beer, popcorn, singing and memories.

Some of the songs performed:
Sufferin' Till Suffrage
Noun is a Person, Place or Thing
Interjections
Figure Eight
Rufus Xavier Sarsaparilla
Lolly, Lolly, Lolly
Mother Necessity
Conjunction Junction
Interplanet Janet
Plus a bunch more.

Come on along! It benefits a great organization and it’ll be a blast!

CeeElCee

Re: Last Night's Blogger Party

2006-12-10T11:23:00.000-06:00

I wasn't there. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. It's amazing what all you people can do with Photoshop and ProTools to make it look and sound like I was in attendance.

RUABelle and I were at home, reading scripture to each other. I think it was 2nd Thessalonians, but I'm not sure because I was drunk.

I've Been Working on the Plumbing All Morning...

2006-12-09T11:03:00.000-06:00

Please send hip boots!

On the plus side, I think I've finally found a costume for tonight's "Holiday Blogger Meat-up" at the Mothership.

Your Friday Dose of Culture

2006-12-08T08:50:00.000-06:00

"WINTER"

A poem by Don Slote

SHIT

It's Cold.

Tres Cosas

2006-12-07T15:44:00.000-06:00

THREE THINGS

Scare me: yellowjackets, Alzheimer's, loved ones in danger

People who make me laugh: David Sedaris, Richard Pryor, Short and Rex and Fat and Camino (I think they're two halves of the same coin).

I love: RUABelle, our pets, the snooze button

I hate: I try really hard not to hate anything or anybody. UC Berkeley, USC and UT Vol football fans are as close as I'll allow myself.

I don't understand: Organic Chemistry (it made a History major out of me), what makes women cry, why I like to do Sudoku puzzles.

Things on my desk: Purell hand sanitizer, an empty coffee travel mug, a red Swingline stapler

I'm doing right now: trying to catch up from missing a day of work last week, wishing the office cleaning fairies would visit while I'm at home tonight, anticipating a really good dinner with RUABelle and a vendor tonight at Nick and Rudy's.

I want to do before I die: spend another month in Brazil, hang-glide, make a difference in a child's life.

I can do: juggle, make a joke about almost anything, comfort.

I can't do: make myself care about my job anymore, walk across a narrow path in a high place, fight this feeling anymore (sorry, REO Speedwagon occasionally lives in my medulla).

I think you should listen to: Los Lobos, Prince, Mozart.

You should NEVER listen to: Any band where the haircut is more important than the music, Dick Vitale, any member of The Staggering Prophets when making a wager.

I'd like to learn: to play the piano, how to ride a bike without getting exhausted, how to pick locks.

Favorite foods: my smoked pork tenderloin, ice cream, bacon.

Beverages I drink regularly: water, Miller Lite, wine

Shows I watched as a kid: whatever the cursive handwriting show was on Channel 8 with the really hot young brunette teacher with the utterly calming sonorific voice, Three Stooges with my dad, James at 15.

Tagging: Nobody. I'm with Sarcastro. Stop the insanity!

On Deep Discount at the Tennessee Sports Fan Store in Opry Mills

2006-12-07T14:10:00.000-06:00

Erron Kinney jerseys
Chris Brown jerseys
Andre Woolfolk jerseys

Is that a clock I hear ticking...?

American Airlines Flatus 223 Is Now Arriving in Nashville

2006-12-07T09:28:00.000-06:00

Yeah, we all heard the story about the woman who grounded the flight because she was lighting matches on the plane to cover up her own stank .

But does the dateline on all these stories have to be Nashville, TN? The plane was headed from Washington, D.C. to Dallas. We just happened to be the closest place to put `er down after the refrieds began to percolate.

Like we really need more backwards-ass press coverage. Read the "News of the Weird" column in the Scene. You'll notice a disproportionate percentage of items come from the middle Tennessee area.

Sheez!

Well,There Goes Crotchless Christmas

2006-12-06T09:18:00.000-06:00

Here's what the rest of America saw on CBS last night:

Here's what Nashville got, thanks to WTVF:

Bah, humbug!

An Acknowledgement of My Advancing Age

2006-12-05T09:37:00.000-06:00

After months of fighting it, I just finally hit "ctrl +" to increase the size of all fonts that I read on Firefox. I have to scroll around a lot more, but at least I can take these Granny Clampitt glasses off of the end of my nose.

What time's the Early Bird Special at Luby's Cafeteria?

Learning to Build a Watch

2006-12-04T15:26:00.000-06:00

Thanks to everyone for their advice on my sizing dilemma with regard to women's clothing. I had always recognized that there was something vaguely nefarious and shrouded when women's clothing manufacturers were sizing their wares, but I had no idea how far-reaching the trouble was. I'm sure RUABelle will end up with something that she's not completely embarrassed to wear in public.

Another item on her wish list was an iPod. Alright! That's right up my alley. I immediately switched into CNET mode and started the discovery process. There are a lot of things to consider when buying an expensive piece of electronics, and I take a quiet joy in doing the research.

Me: OK, you know there's a lot of different kinds of iPods, right?

Her: Sure, remember I bought you one for your birthday?

Me: Oh yeah. (sotto voce) And I swapped it out for another one.

Her: Why don't you just get me one like that?

Me: Well, there's no need to have two of the exact same ones since then they'd both have exactly the same music and movies on them and we'd hardly ever use them at the same time. We could just swap them back and forth with each other if that was the case.

Her: So what do you need to know?

Me: Are you planning to use it at school or at home? Do you want to use it in your car? Do you ever plan to use it while you exercise? How many songs do you think you want to put on it? Do you want to use it with your Mac or with my PC? Do you want one with a display or would you just like the tiny little shuffle? Do you want to be able to choose what order your songs play? If you do get a display, do you actually want to be able to watch video on it or just use it to see your playlists?

Her: Wow, that's a lot of things to think about.

Me: Yeah, so do you have any idea which one you want: the Nano, the Mini, the Shuffle or the Video iPod?

Her: The pink one.

So the pink one it is. Leave it to me to take all the magic out of the freakin' holidays with my over-analysis.

Merry Christmas, sweetie. I hope you continue to not read my blog at least until the holidays are over.

A Cry For Help

2006-12-01T13:21:00.000-06:00

Well, I'm just now back from a semi-fruitful lunchtime trip to Opry Mills with only a few drops of blood hitting the keyboard as I type this. But I've realized I have a problem.

I'm steadily chipping away at RUABelle's Xmas list. I've got every little hint she dropped in the past year squirreled away in my Treo (geek.) Most of the stuff I can handle. Stationery, check. Some household appliance gadgets, right in my wheelhouse. Stuff for the pets, who can complain? Even a nice coat, because she went as far as giving me the item number at JCrew.

But I've hit a brick wall with the silk blouse thing. RUABelle has a very nice sense of style-preppy and conservative, but very classy. I would wear Hawaiian shirts and blue jeans every day if it were up to me. And I did before I met her. Yet, still she loves me. What do they say? Men love women hoping they'll never change. Women love men hoping they can change them.

So anyway, first of all I'm stymied by what size she is. I won't put her measurements or numbers on the internet, but she's about so tall and yea big around. Does that help? I once asked her size and she told me, "I'm a petite large."

Let's let that sink in a moment.

Petite large. Petite. Large.

What the hell?! Apparently, I'm in love with a jumbo shrimp.

Then there's the style and color issues. I wandered around the women's departments of several stores, being careful not to linger in the lingerie. I even went as far as to select a few blouses off the racks and begin to walk toward the check out, only to hold the hanger up and think, "Yeah, this would look really nice...on a hooker." Maybe I should be shopping for Toys for Tarts.

So I'm lost, friends. I need the help of someone from the distaff side. I'm willing to take internet shopping advice or the services of a personal shopper. What's in it for you? Lunch at the food court restaurant of your choice at any mall in the greater metropolitan Nashville area and the opportunity to watch a guy whose generally thought of as a fairly together dude look absolutely clueless for thirty minutes while you drag him helplessly through a store.

Any takers?

Who Says The Dry Spot Doesn't Celebrate the Holidays?

2006-11-30T14:37:00.000-06:00

Why, today is National Meth Awareness Day!

Go kiss your favorite Tornado Bait relative.

But not on the mouth.

Blech. I'd post the picture here, but I'd rather make it voluntary. It's your fault if you click here.

NaBloMoPo-ver, Thank God

2006-11-30T09:17:00.000-06:00

That's right, it's finally November 30, and unless some sadistic bastard adds another day to November (I'm looking at you, Julius Caesar...), National Blog Posting Month is mercifully over.

And it's about damn time. I made it, but the ole Dry Spot has truly run dry. My brain is a rocky place where ideas can find no purchase. But I had to finish, because I'm something of a completist.

I won't stop reading a book once I start it unless I lose it, no matter how bad it is. I'm the guy that renews it three times at the library and then xeroxes the last four chapters at work or checks it out as a book on tape because he's run out of renewals.

When I was a pre-teen, my mother gave me a Hardy Boys book. Curses! It was something like #37 of the series, "The Mystery of the Homoerotic Gym Coach" or somethinorother. Once I read that one, the obsessive/compulsive in me had to read them all even though I realized after about four or five that they were all the same damn story. Luckily, Franklin W. Dixon was already dead, so I figured I could get ahead of him. Then I found out that "Franklin W. Dixon" was actually a pen name for an entire syndicate of writers who were pumping out drivel like the proverbial million monkeys working on a million typewriters. Crap.

VCRs and TiVo have compounded the problem of my completism. Once I get hooked on a show, I must watch every episode even after I have stopped liking it. "Jumping the shark" does not drive me away. For some unknown reason, I felt compelled to tape every episode of "Seinfeld" and "Northern Exposure" when they were still in first runs. Probably because I was usually so baked when they were on, I thought I might want to rewind and find out what I was laughing so hard at. But I never watched any of the old tapes or even labeled which season or episodes where on the boxes of videotapes which still fill my basement. Had I known about the advent of TV on DVD, I could have saved myself a lot of grief and just paid a lot of money for the box sets which I wouldn't watch. Oh yeah, I did that too. (See "Buffy the Vampire Slayer," "Sex in the City," "CSI" etc. taking up room on our shelves waiting for me or RUABelle to remove the plastic wrap.)

TiVo understands me, though. It knows that I've never missed an episode of "The Real World," "Road Rules" or any of the various incarnations of "The Real World/Road Rules Competition/Inferno/Gauntlet/Duel," so it saves them for me. Many a night I hear a loud sigh emanating from RUABelle as she falls asleep listening to "This is the true story of seven stragers, picked to live in a house..."

The one good thing about this cold I've been battling is that it has let me catch up on my TiVo while I lay in bed, weak as a puppy. At my peak, I was up to 18 hours of "Mythbusters" clogging up the hard drive of my DVR. Now that I'm back to working full time, I've at least caught up to October. I figure I'm one sinus infection away from clearing the queue.

Here's hoping...

Skeletor Does Not Need Lipitor

2006-11-29T11:21:00.000-06:00

Is anyone else creeped out by Robert Jarvik doing those Lipitor ads?

I'm not sure I want medical advice from somebody who looks like Spalding Gray after they fished him out of the East River.

Hey, I Recognize This Cold...

2006-11-28T15:45:00.000-06:00

It's the one that has already laid low half the folks I know. You know, the one with the sore throat that feels like you're swallowing rusty razor blades that have been dipped in acid.

I'm gonna stay home today and try to lessen the duaration and severity of this thing with rest, Halls and Zicam. Any other advice?

Cyber Babble

2006-11-27T11:12:00.000-06:00

Today's Tennessean includes what must be their umpteenth "Parent's Guide to NetLingo and CyberSpeak" in an attempt to educate (panic) parents about what their children are thumbtyping into their cell phones. Not only is this redundant and outdated, it's not even informative as the only actual acronyms which they listed were:

LOL Laugh out loud
LOLA Laugh out loud again
BRB Be right back
TTYL Talk to you later
POS Parents over shoulder
TDTM Talk dirty to me
IWSN I want sex now

Illuminating work. I'm tired of seeing the same stuff over and over again. I know that internet safety is an important issue for parents, but I think BusyMom's primer is a lot more valuable than this crap.

And also, it's not just tweenagers and perverts texting each other anymore. What about the rest of us more erudite chatters? I offer for your edification, The Nashville Bloggers Guide to Cyberspeak.

KYRAR Kerry, your ribs are ready
GGAG Gunnar's got a gun
BLM Brittney linked me!
TSJMFOU The Scene just made fun of us
BWMGCA Butcher wrecked my goddamn car again
SGAR Sista's got a recipe!
C/S/MHAFUN CeeElCee/Smiley/McCeemey has an f'd up name
WJDYM Which Jag do you mean?
WRDYM Which Rex do you mean?
DMWDN Don't mess with Dork Nation
OSN Or Sarcastro neither
EAU Edna's acting up
PWSRTLOTDATBEAACTROVTIITOAMHAUB Perhaps we should raise the level of this debate above the base emotional argument and consider the ramifications of viewing the issue in terms of a more holistic and universal basis.
YSLNB You spell like Nemesis Boy
KSB Kat scratches back
BMAK BusyMom's at Krystal's

Another Random Photo

2006-11-26T20:48:00.000-06:00

Don't even look at this. It's just here because I want to use it as my profile photo and I'm not html-savvy enough to add it any other way. Carry on.

Mountain Pix

2006-11-26T13:25:00.000-06:00

I promised a few folks I'd post some pictures of another or my favorite Sewanee gravesites. So here ya' go:

We live in the Garnertown area of the mountaintop. Yup, it's named after the famous moonshiner.

One more photo for you:

Two observations-First of all, Nellie the Nervous Pudelhund has obviously come a long way since she used to want to bite me and crap and pee all over me whenever I tried to pick her up. Secondly, I grow my beard out every Thanksgiving to see how much grayer it has gotten since last year. The answer is a lot.

I Sing the Body Eclectic

2006-11-25T15:42:00.000-06:00

Both Wonderdawg and Sista Smiff offered some interesting, if random, insights into themselves by playing along with this little meme from A Voice of Hope.

So I figured I'd give it a try.

Here's how it works:

1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question, type the song that's playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
6. Don't lie and try to pretend you're cool and no disclaimers allowed.

Opening Credits: Sugar Pie - The Subdudes

Waking Up: Forro de Minha Terra - Duda Da Passira

First Day At School: Wild Cat Blues - Clarence Williams' Blue Five

Falling In Love: Monkey Let the Dogs Out - Allison Krauss and Union Station

Fight Song: Next Time You See Her - Eric Clapton

Breaking Up: Rolling Stone - Muddy Waters

Prom: Symphony #2 (1st movement) - Beethoven

Mental Breakdown: Pay Bo Diddley - The Snakes

Driving: Slow and Easy (A.K.A. Lawless Mike) - Dave Brubeck

Flashback: Jackie Tequila - Skank

Getting Back Together: Having a Blast - Green Day

Wedding: Mr. Toad's Wild Ride - Tower of Power

Birth of Child: Anselma - Los Lobos

Final Battle: Don't Stand So Close to Me - The Police

Death Scene: You Make Me Feel So Young - Frank Sinatra

Funeral Song: The Condom Song - Unconscious Pilot

End Credits: Scuttle Buttin' - Stevie Ray Vaghan and Double Trouble

Interpretation is up to you. I'll be glad to answer any questions about my strange-ass music collection in the comments.

Bah, Humbug.

2006-11-24T10:08:00.000-06:00

RUABelle had no interest in my "Black Friday Door Buster Special" at 5:00 am.

Then as soon as I turned on the TV, I heard "Christmas is right around the corner!" With apologies to Mrs. Jag, I may head for the other corner.

Oh, I Thought She Said "Wired"

2006-11-23T11:57:00.000-06:00

The fabulous Sista Smiff has admitted that she might have some "eccentricities and called me out to share my weirdness. So here are 6 weird things about CeeElCee.

1. I have freakishly long toes and can tie a shoelace and make a paper airplane with my feet. My second toe is as long as my pinkie. We're talking baby hands here, people. Sorry to gross you out. These "talents" did come in handy back when I was a summer camp counselor at the Cumberland Museum and the projector would break down. Sitting in front of a pile of kiddies hopped up on Hawaiian Punch and calming them down by doing toe tricks is a surreal memory, even today twenty some odd years later.

2. When I watch a dvd, I always watch the special features before the movie. This includes the trailer of the movie I'm about to spend two hours watching. Yes, it does drive RUABelle batty.

3. I have taught hundreds of people how to juggle and how to rappel. Not at the same time. I have a proprietary method to teach even the most spastic folks how to juggle three tennis balls. Ask me about it sometime.

4. I can play three songs on the banjo strictly by finger memory. I took lessons for a couple of months when I was in high school. Once I learned how to play "Foggy Mountain Breakdown," I had achieved what I wanted out of the instrument so I quit going. I can still pick up a banjo and play "Foggy Mountain", "Cripple Creek" and "Bile That Cabbage Down" but I have no idea what I'm doing when I play it. I tend to just stare off into space, slack-jawed and on the verge of drooling like some sort of "Rocking Horse Winner" while my fingers play the rolls and execute the hammer-ons and pull-offs. Call me a savant. Or and idiot.

5. I was in Jim Varney's first movie, "Doctor Otto and the Riddle of the Gloom Beam." This was pre-Ernest. It was very bad, but it is available on dvd. I'm the guy in the science fair scene wearing the maroon faux-Members Only jacket who gets a table full of tires dumped on him the robot science project that has run amok. No, I didn't get paid extra for the stunt work. I am in the credits though, and I did get to go to the gala opening at the Belle Meade Theatre.

6. When I sing along with a song, I like to sing harmony parts instead of the melody. And not even the traditional harmonies. F'd up harmonies. This makes me good to have along for a small acoustic gig, but horrible at karaoke. I used to play the tuba, so I sing the bass line to the "Start Spangled Banner." The rest of my musically formative years were spent listening to bluegrass, so that leads to other pretty messed-up harmonies as well. You should hear my high lonesome version of Creed. Be very afraid.

So there, now you know six more weird things about me.

How about you, Sara , Sara , FishWreck , Jag , Knuck and Kosmo? Tag, you're it.

Abusing the System

2006-11-23T09:52:00.000-06:00

Let's try something. No, I promise it'll be fun. It's sort of like the bat signal.

Hey Kathy T. at NiT, please make my site meter spike.

Now don't you feel cheap and tawdry for falling for that and clicking over here.

Sorry, I promise I'll have something more NaBloPoMo-worthy before the end of the day.

p.s. Man, I'll look pretty silly if Kathy doesn't link to this. Nah, she likes a good joke.

They've Earned My Repeat Business

2006-11-22T15:45:00.000-06:00

Last night I ordered a cd of house/trance/funk music** from a friend of mine who was a DJ in Miami from a company called CDBABY.COM. Today I received the following delightful email:

"Thanks for your order with CD Baby!

Your CD has been gently taken from our CD Baby shelves with
sterilized contamination-free gloves and placed onto a satin pillow.

A team of 50 employees inspected your CD and polished it to make sure
it was in the best possible condition before mailing.

Our packing specialist from Japan lit a candle and a hush fell over
the crowd as he put your CD into the finest gold-lined box that money
can buy.

We all had a wonderful celebration afterwards and the whole party
marched down the street to the post office where the entire town of
Portland waved 'Bon Voyage!' to your package, on its way to you, in
our private CD Baby jet on this day, Wednesday, November 22nd.

I hope you had a wonderful time shopping at CD Baby. We sure did.
Your picture is on our wall as 'Customer of the Year'. We're all
exhausted but can't wait for you to come back to CDBABY.COM!!

Thank you once again,

Derek Sivers, president, CD Baby"

Color me impressed. Now that's what I call customer service! I'll be using CDBABY.COM again the next time I'm shopping for an independently-produced house/trance/funk cd. Okay, well maybe that won't happen again, but I would if it did.

** There's something weird for ya', Sista.

A Slightly More Constructive Day

2006-11-21T17:13:00.000-06:00

Well, I actually accomplished something today. Since I woke up this morning, I’ve managed to:

1.) Hike around my property and check out the north forty. (Okay, the north four…)
2.) Drive in to Winchester to the Tractor Supply to buy materials to build a pistol range tomorrow.
3.) Do a little a on the way. Yeah, I’m a nerd. You already knew that.
4.) Build a new composting pen for the tons of leaves I plan to move around this winter.
5.) Actually rake up some of those leaves so that at least they’ll stop holding all the moisture on my dry-rotting porches.
6.) Hike the old Goat Track railroad trail around Sewanee.
7.) Take my garbage and recycling to the Convenience Center.
8.) Make it back to the cabin in time to pop open a nice cold beer and share it with you, Gentle Reader.

Now there’s nothing left to do but wait for RUABelle to bring Nervous Nellie the pudelhund and our buddy Mistersippi up for the rest of the week. I’m guessing traffic out of Nashville may be a bit gnarly, so I’m not holding my breath. I have provisions to last at least a few days. Longer if I’m willing to eat the suspect frozen burritos and potted meat food product we’ve had since we bought the place.

Tomorrow is power tool day, so if you don’t hear from me it means I probably cut off my typing hand. Send help.

You Can Shove "The Notebook" Right Up Your...

2006-11-21T10:02:00.000-06:00

Late last month, my buddy NewsComa, whose opinion I always respect, pointed me to the drama going on at Atomic Tumor. As most of you know, AT is a young man who shared with the bloggosphere the ultimately painful experience of losing his lovely young wife and mother of their two children to some sort of raging infection. When I first started lurking, her condition was serious but not dire. As I checked back in daily, then hourly her prognosis became bleaker and AT's emotions became rawer and even more personal.

I was rapt at the depth of emotions and also the attention to mundane details of day to day life that this brave young man was sharing with anyone who had the ability to open a browser and type in a url. This worried me. I tend to get too empathetic in a bad way. Hell, I got uptight following along with the trauma of BusyMom's sick laptop, much less the ripping apart of a young family. I actually woke up in the middle of the night thinking that I felt some cosmic headslap that the end had come for GAC. I didn't even know these people. How could I be so affected by the plight of total strangers? It gave me a sort of skeevy, stalkeresque feeling about myself.

But in the end, I think that AT chronicled this tragic month for himself because it was the thing he knew how to do best. I don't think he cared if we watched. He wanted to share his Barbara Jamie with the world and to have a way to work through his emotions. Early in the ordeal I thought that when and if his wife did ever wake up, she would have a record of the depth of love and emotions that her husband felt for her that is unlike anything I have ever shared with anyone.

I believe this account is a love story for the ages. I don't feel skeevy anymore. I feel lucky to have read it. Good luck, AT. Take care of yourself and your family.

I Was Hopeful When I Saw This Headline

2006-11-21T09:01:00.000-06:00

Foreigner killed after Iraq hijack

Turns out they weren't talking about the band. Too bad.

I've always wondered why Stevie Ray Vaughan had to be on that helicopter that crashed while Men at Work lives on to tour in perpetuity.

So sad.

The Road to Hell...

2006-11-20T17:40:00.000-06:00

Today is the first day of my five day vacation at our Sewanee cabin. RUABelle won't be up until Tuesday night after she sends the little kindermonsters home for Thanksgiving break. I fully intended to get up really early this morning, pack the truck and get to Sewanee in time to rake leaves, cut up some downed trees and split some aged wood.

Unfortunately, I slept a little late, the cats were difficult to round up (it really is like herding cats) and it's been snowing off and on all day. So here's what I've gotten accomplished:

1.) Unpacked
2.) Went to a Chinese buffet for lunch
3.) Played guitar for two hours on the couch
4.) Watched Oprah

I needed this.

Okay, Okay...I Can Take a Hint!

2006-11-20T08:35:00.000-06:00

Is it bad when you can't find your newspaper three days in a row because you need to rake so many leaves out of your yard?

But don't worry, I "raked" it with the lawnmower and found all three editions.

ed.-Apologies to NewsComa.

Commerce-Small and Large Scale

2006-11-19T16:54:00.000-06:00

RUABelle and I took advantage of a weekend in town without a Titans game to run some errands on Saturday morning. The most pleasant was a trip to Jeffraham Prestonian's manor on the river to pick up a few items I purchased at his West Gnashvegas Swap Spot. I hesitate to tell ya'll about it in case I want to buy some more stuff from him later, but I know he could use the money and Curly the extra-cool cat needs the scratch too. (pun intended) Plus, I got a free copy of Curly's Christmas dvd so I owe them the shout out.

Nellie the Nervous Pudelhund has enjoyed watching the dvd of Curly's adventures around JP's apartment. We left it on the kitchen tv while we puttered around the house and actually found it and Jeffraham's original soundtrack to be quite soothing. Our cats were a little more more suspicious though.

After leaving Casa Prestonian, we went to the opening weekend of the new Costco in West Nashville. I have never been to a place outside of the Magic Kingdom which more efficiently separates you from your money. The lay-out of the store was easy to figure out, the staff was very courteous, the check-out personnel were extremely efficient and the parking lot was easy to navigate. In other words, it's the anti-Sam's Club. The experience has already convinced us to let our Sam's membership lapse whenever it comes up for renewal again.

But here's a hint...don't go without a list. Ouch! No really, we needed that gallon of sundried tomatoes and the prelit topiary Xmas tree.

The Dry Spot Index

2006-11-19T16:37:00.000-06:00

With apologies to the Harper's Index.

Number of posts to The Dry Spot to date: 301
Days between 1st post and #100: 106
Days between #101 and #200: 90
Days between #201 and #300: 74
References to the lovely RUABelle without giving away her real name: 92
References to Jim, er, The Nashville Knucklehead without giving away his real name: 33
Trips to the Mothership since it opened: 22
MTA bus trips since I said I'd try to ride it once a week: 44
Posts which refer to or revolve around my bowels: 7
References to my false positive syphilis test: 8
Highest rank of the Dry Spot when searching Google for "kahlua and breast milk": 2
Magicians which hijacked my site: 2
Mentions of the word "shit": 11
Mentions of the word "fuck": 7
Trip reports or travelogues: 23
Fights picked with the IRS: 3
Attempts at political commentary: 5
Readers who give a crap about my political views: 0

I'm Worthless and Weak

2006-11-18T18:46:00.000-06:00

First of all, let me acknowledge that this is my 300th post, and I
fully intended to have something momentous to say.

And I wanted to let you all know how nice it was to meet Curly the cat, and his roommate Jeffraham Prestonian when we did our commerce today.

Then I was going to give you all my review of the first trip to the new Costco in West Nashville.

But unfortunately RUABelle and I spent all day at the Sportsman's Grille drinking beer and watching football games. And now we're headed to the DogDoc's for fajitas and the late games.

So this is all I got for now. If it wasn't for this Post per Day Month promise, I'd just blow it off until I had something more.

You deserve better, Dry Spot readers.

I promise to make it up to you next week while I'm not working.

Stay tuned and hold me to it!

I Shoulda Worn Sweatpants Today

2006-11-17T12:49:00.000-06:00

I'm just back from a wonderful Friday lunch at Monell's, sharing delicious dishes and delicious dish with that delicious dish, Sista Smiff.

Yeah, we talked about you.

Don't worry. It was all nice stuff.

Bless your heart.

Things that Make You Go Guurrrrrghle-hk-hk-hk

2006-11-16T15:18:00.000-06:00

It just occurred to me that Nancy Pelosi is about to be one hunting trip/myocardial infarct away from the presidency.

Darn constitution! We oughta amend it or something.

Oh yeah, and throw in my idea about Christmas Decorations before Halloween while we're rewriting the rulebook.

Night of the Living Bed

2006-11-15T08:49:00.000-06:00

I think it’s a combination of taking Melatonin and reading too much Rex, NewsComa and Short & Fat but I’ve been having the craziest dreams about zombies lately. They’ve actually been quite entertaining. If RUABelle would let me, I’d start bringing popcorn to bed so I could enjoy the movie on the inside of my eyelids even more.

If my memory was better, I could be writing these dreams now and possibly composing America’s first great RomZomCom ala “Shaun of the Dead.” Unfortunately, due to several factors my memory is for shit, so I doubt I’ll be able to actively participate in NaNoWriMo.

I guess I could still give it a try. Let’s see what I remember from last night…

“Harrrrrrrrrrrrrgh! Brains! Urrrrrrrrrrr!”

Great, only 49,997 words to go.

A Modest Proposal

2006-11-14T08:16:00.000-06:00

I've been complaining about the early appearance of Christmas decorations for awhile now.

I've really enjoyed reading my kindred spirit over at The Holiday Grinch.

But I'm afraid we aren't making too much progress. So I offer what I feel is a very reasonable guideline:

NO CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS SHOULD BE DISPLAYED BEFORE MARY REACHES HER THIRD TRIMESTER!

I don't think that's too much to ask.

The Dry Spot Sellz Out

2006-11-13T10:46:00.000-06:00

Well, it seems everybody else is trying to make money off of these here innernet tubez, so I figured why not Mr. Cee as well? But I like to pretend that one of the reasons why I do all this writing (typing?) is in an effort to actually get paid to write, not just to attract folks to the site so they can click through an ad for weight loss products and various enlargement creams, (As an aside, if I rubbed hoodia and member enlargement cream on my John Thomas at the same time, would they cancel each other out? I think they would.)

Anyway, I’d rather get paid for voicing my own twisted opinions and sharing them with the tens of voracious readers that stumble drunk across this site in the middle of the night looking for information on false syphilis tests and kahlua and breast milk. And thanks to a suggestion by my buddy at fishwreck, I may have discovered just the site which will allow me to do that.

ReviewMe.com is a place where bloggers (that’s you and me kiddies) can sign up and be paid to publish reviews of various products. Advertisers can troll through lists of blogs by category and request specific bloggers to review their products. They pay between $40 and 5400 to ReviewMe.com for each review and then the website splits that with the reviewer in the form of a monthly check or a PayPal deposit.

In the interest of fair disclosure, I’m even getting paid for this review of ReviewMe.com. They’re all about fair disclosure over there and expect all reviewers to notify readers that these are paid reviews. But there is no obligation to write favorable stuff. They expect bad reviews as well and will still owe money even if you don’t like the product you are assigned.

So what do I (or you) have to lose? If you’re opinionated, verbose and have at least a few live eyes looking at your site, run on over to www.ReviewMe.com for a looksee. It might be a way to earn some beer money until their venture capital money runs out.

For more info, go here.

Update--Kerry Woo is absolutely correct that they ask for an SSN on a non-encrypted site. This is worrisome and should be corrected in my opinion. I would recommend sending it to them in two separate emails to at least make it a little more difficult to hack. Nothing is foolproof. I've had to give my SSN to any employer I've ever worked for and I'm sure that some of the HR folks who saw my form could have copied it down at any point. It's the risk of working in a computerized society.

My Mindscape Today

2006-11-13T08:07:00.000-06:00

The best part about yesterday's game was when Titans Fullback/U.S. Marine Corp veteran Ahmard Hall was the last player introduced and ran out of the tunnel proudly carrying an American flag on a pole high above his head.

It would only have been better if he had sprinted across the field and plunged it into the chest of Brian Billick, pinning him to the sod like a katydid in a sixth grader's insect collection.

Am I a little bitter about the game? Yeah, maybe a little.

TGIM

2006-11-12T18:32:00.000-06:00

You ever have so much fun over a weekend that you actually start to look forward to Monday so you can get some rest?

That's what happens when you spend the weekend with NewsComa and the Rodent Queen. We had a blast at Artrageous and shared the drama and trauma of the Titans' loss to the Dirty Birds of Baltimore.

On the whole, it was a great weekend. I'll need a little mental vacation at work for the next couple of days. Good thing I don't build bridges or do brain surgery...

Ingrish Spoken Here

2006-11-11T16:01:00.000-06:00

I stopped by the Teeter to buy some mixers for a pre-Artrageous cocktail with RUABelle, NewsComa and the Rodent Queen. (Yes, I know how lucky I am.)

I found this on the front of a Tropicana Lemonade bottle.

When did they start letting fortune cookie writers work on their labels?

"Proofread with not from English degree."

A Random Thought While Watching ESPN

2006-11-11T14:48:00.000-06:00

Is it just me or is Rutgers' football coach

one shipwreck away from starring in a Geico commercial?

Kerry Woo Thinks We're Idiots

2006-11-10T10:18:00.000-06:00

Wonderdawg didn't get why Sista and I wanted to stop the truck and take this picture. But he also doesn't listen to Nancy Van Camp and Lisa Patton when they tell us to put on football helmets and sit in a bathtub full of pillows in an interior bathroom whenever a bad storm is bearing down on Big Sandy.

Who's the dumb one now, Mr. Dawg?

Oh yeah...us.

A Call to Arms!

2006-11-10T08:43:00.000-06:00

Do you remember a couple of weeks ago when I was trying to give away free tickets to the Nashville Gridiron Show presented by the Society of Professional Journalists? Well none of my blogger friends took me up on the deal, so I gave the tickets away to somebody here where I work. They said it was a hilarious send-up of local politics and politicians and brought me a book of the lyrics.

Apparently, we should have been there. Here's what they sung to the tune of "God Bless the U.S.A.." (Feel free to hum along with your internal monologue as you read.)

"Well I found a home in cyberspace, with all the geeks and nerds.
Perfect outlet for the screwy thoughts I must put into words.
I'll out my little sister and rat on my old man
And they won't know who did it--catch me if you can...

I plan to stay anonymous so no one knows it's me
Or that I'm only fifteen with braces and ac-ne
`Cause no one ever listens to what I have to say
I'm up all night, I write and write...
I...blog...the...USA!

Watch out for those chat rooms if my user name you hit.
You'll think I'm twenty-seven and look just like Brad Pitt.
And if you dad's a Senator conservative of name
Don't go public with a six-can beer belt on your frame...

I plan to stay anonymous so no one knows it's me
Or that I'm only fifteen with braces and ac-ne
`Cause no one ever listens to what I have to say
I'm up all night, I write and write...
I...blog...the...USA!"

Personally, I'm not wearing my pajamas as I type this and my acne is clearing up quite nicely, thank you. (Shout out to B-Mo.) I'm calling Brittney and Kleinheider out as our most worthy representatives within the "mainstream media." Get out there and kick some ass for the blogosphere! If you need some bitter, cynical cowriters...I can think of a few. Maybe take a look over to the right side of this page. That's all I'm sayin'.

Happy Anniversary, Baby! Got You on my Mi-ind!

2006-11-09T10:07:00.000-06:00

Egads. Little River Band. Gotta shake that somehow...

Luckily, RUABelle and I did something last night that should help exorcise the pablum of Beeb Birtles from my brain.

Yesterday was our 16th anniversary.* We celebrated by eating dinner at Koto,(mmmm, sushi and sake) and then grabbing a quick drink at the Crosswalk Bar in the Renaissance Hotel before the show at the Ryman.

I may look like the whitest dude on the face of the earth. My skin has been described as "cadaverous." But when it comes to music, to quote Tower of Power:

"You and me might disagree, 'cause I like rhythm and blues
Now I'm not dissin' disco, I'm not saying punk is bunk
I can't settle for heavy metal, cause I got to have that funk

I like soul with a capital S
Soul with a capital S
Sweet soul music, that's the best
Soul with a capital S"

And how! We spent over three hours listening from the second row of the balcony at the Ryman to Ozomatli and Los Lonely Boys throwing it down and had a great time.

I had seen the Lonely Kidz a couple of times before in small venues. Really small. Like the Hog's Breath Saloon in Destin and Elliston Square. I was impressed how well their show translated to the Mother Church of the Ryman. But even I have to admit that the 40 minute masturbatory guitar noodling of "Onda" was a bit much. Thanks to RUABelle for sticking with me during that one.

We were especially impressed by Ozomatli, a nine member multi-ethnic funky horn band from L.A. Their amalgam of funk, rap, cumbia and jazz made for a great show. Despite the fact that I'm sure that this was the whitest audience they played in front of on this tour, (there might have been two people in the whole crowd who I would have called "swarthy") they showed a playful exuberance that was born of their love of the music and maybe a little bit of pharmaceutical assistance, if you know what I mean.

In a brilliant stroke, they marched down into the audience while roadies cleared the stage for Los Lonely Boys. They continued to play back line rhythms for a half hour on the floor of the Ryman, in the lobby, up the stairs and in the balcony right in front of where there merchandise was being sold. As the Guiness guys say, "Brilliant!" They concluded their impromptu between-sets interlude by leading the entire crowd waiting in line for the bathrooms in the funkiest version of the "Sesame Street" thene that anyone would ever have the pleasure to hear.

The Dry Spot gives them four spots. Check them out!

* "Anniversary of what?," you might ask. "You guys aren't married."

That's a good point. It's always difficult to name a starting date for a relationship, especially one that has lasted as long as ours. So, no, we didn't choose the first time we did that as our anniversary date. Get your minds out of the gutters, people.

But it's not exactly the anniversary of our first date either. RUABelle was a cocktail waitress in a bar where I used to play guitar. We flirted for a couple of months before I finally asked her out to a movie. But it was "Ghost," and I'd already seen it with three different women that summer so we really don't count that one. Plus she wouldn't go out for a beer with me after the movie as she was playing hard to get. I was of, course, too dumb to figure that out.

So we mark our anniversary two weeks after our first kiss which happened as I loaded up the car after a gig in Bowling Green. I waited patiently for that fortnight until I could get back up to where she worked again for our next tryst. I played the gig until 1:00 in the morning and then went back to her apartment where we stayed up talking until the sun rose.

Then I had to drive back to Nashville and be at work by 8:00. That part sorta sucked, but my feet weren't really touching the ground anyway due to the flush of new love and a total exhaustion buzz. So that's the date we use. Now you know.

Bloggers Without Borders Trip Update

2006-11-08T10:56:00.000-06:00

Brief pit stop by the Patsy Cline, Cowboy Copas and Hawkshaw Hawkins crash site. Much reverence was observed. Back on the road to Hooterville.

Marching into Paris

2006-11-08T09:57:00.000-06:00

Well, Camden actually...

We've collectively solved half the world's problems before the first pee break.

We'll get working on this Iraq thing once we get back on the road.

Nerdz on Wheelz Tour 2006

2006-11-08T06:00:00.000-06:00

If you see a maroon Tahoe headed west on I-40 today traveling at 85 mph, blaring some obscure music and emanating obscene levels of electromagnetic radiation from the multiple gadgets plugged into every cigarette lighter/splitter/power inverter, that would be me, Sista Smiff and Wonderdawg on the way to offer humanitarian aid to our recovering friend and pundit, NewsComa.

I suggest you politely get out of our way because I think I have already proved my propensity to type a really long run-on sentence on my Treo while driving.

Be very afraid.

Stall Warning

2006-11-07T13:31:00.000-06:00

Brittney has a nice post about her voting experience today. She mentioned that some folks were taking their children in to vote with them. That brought back some memories about how my mom used to always take me into the voting booth with her.

I never remember anything about my dad's voting procedures other than he always admonished me to "vote for the weakest Democrat in the primary so that they'll have a worse candidate to run against us." (italics mine-sentiment his.) Hell, I was only eight years old. Maybe he thought I was giving Mom advice while we in the booth since he wasn't able to stand there and remind her who to vote for. He was definitely a believer that the only reason women got the right to vote was to give married men two votes as opposed to single (gay?) men.

So anyway, Mom always took me into the voting booth with her and I remember the rush of civic grownup pride I got hearing that half curtain whoosh shut behind us and how cool it was to pull the big lever that locked in your votes. In retrospect, it really was like pulling the handle on a slot machine.

On the other hand, Mom taking me into the ladies room stall with her...not so cool.

But ever since we stopped that practice at about age six, I've pretty much established the "one person per stall" rule. No matter how many times certain bloggers invite me to the Greyhound station for lunch.

Get on Up-ah! Like a Sex Machine

2006-11-07T07:47:00.000-06:00

I know that today is election day, but I voted a couple weeks ago so I figure there's really not much I can do about it now. And I know that the CMA's were last night, but I want to address a country music topic that I can't believe has been overlooked by the local blogging cognoscenti.

This is a quote from Sara Evan's divorce filing talking about her husband Craig and his deviant sexual habits:

“On his computer, husband maintains ‘Craigs Lists,’” the filing claims. “Many of them involve requests for three party sex and anal sex. Husband’s ‘Craigs Lists’ are composed of personal ads on his personal sex engine involving him and prospective sex partners.’”

Did no one at Sara's attorney's office or anywhere in the media know what the hell Craig's List really is? Did they really think that every request for man to man and man to woman and woman to woman and man to monkey sex on the entire national classified network was the responsibility of a frail little right-wing Oregonian transplant living off his baritone wife's coattails?

"Yeah Sara, your husband posted 6784 requests for sex today. And apparently he's trying to sell your old microwave and give away some U-Haul boxes."

As Bugs would say, "What a buncha maroons!"

p.s. Where do I get one of those "personal sex engines?"