Be Vewwwwy Qwiet

Sorry, I know that's kind of a jolting image, but as I've been poking around the blogosphere, I've noticed a lot of attention being paid to Senator Charlotte Burks and her quest to ban sexual aids. So I thought I'd share my Rabbit story. (That's the Rabbit Habit pictured, by the way.)

I was at a cocktail party a couple of years ago and found myself talking to a group of women who I didn't know that well. My girlfriend, RUABelle, was out of earshot so I was flying solo. That's rarely a good idea because my boot often fits snugly in my piehole.

I don't quite remember how the conversation got headed in this direction, but I started to relate a story about when I had the opportunity to spend a month in Brazil on a Rotary Club group study exchange. This was right after 9/11 and RUABelle was none to pleased at the prospect of my leaving her alone for four weeks to go galavanting around a foreign country full of gorgeous foreigners.

The ladies at the cocktail party of course agreed with her that I was a total cad to abandon her. In an effort to defend myself up I told them how I had made her a care package to take care of her while I was gone. I had arranged through several web sites to have gifts delivered every week starting before I left until I got back. She received flowers, candles, bath salts and even one of those Ikea-esque fancy can openers in case she didn't have enough leverage to open a jar while I was gone.

The assembled women began to "ooh" and "aww" at my thoughtfulness, and then I pulled the coup de grace.

"But the best thing I got her was the Rabbit."

"You bought her a Rabbit?!" one of them asked. They knew RUABelle came from a fairly prim background and wouldn't normally want me talking about something this personal.

"Oh, yeah!" I continued. "There are some things she just can't do by herself when I'm not around. Her little arms just don't have enough strength."

I should have noticed their chins on their chests. "Ooh, you're the best boyfriend ever!"

"Nah, while I was gone I knew she'd want to use it almost every night. She's a first-grade teacher, and those kids drive her nuts sometimes. Heck, some times I even use it, but I prefer to do it old school."

Right then, my lovely girlfriend walked into the middle of a covey of women all atwitter. It took her about five seconds to reveal to everyone what a dumbass I was (am.)

I was talking about the Rabbit corkscrew...