Monday, June 05, 2006

Yoga Screw Yourself

Let me preface this by saying, “It was all my fault!” In an attempt to spend more quality time with my girlfriend, RUABelle, and learn more about what is important in her life I volunteered to try out this yoga thing she’s been into for the past few years. It is certainly working for her as she is more toned and, ahem, flexible than she’s ever been and I could certainly use help in both departments. Especially in the face of my recently chronicled neck problems and fortydom.

We did the “beginner” DVD twice this weekend. She was extremely helpful and showed me which way to face on the mat and where to put those cool foamy bricks to help me reach the floor on some of the more ambitious stretches. She paused and rewound the demonstrations so I could figure out which way I was supposed to be facing as the incredibly fit instructor raced from pose to pose.

And now a day later, I really do have a feeling of inner peace, of calm, of centeredness, of placidity, of a STABBING THROBBING PAIN THAT SHOOTS FROM THE VERY CENTER OF MY BEING AND RADIATES OUT TO THE TIP OF EVERY NERVE ENDING IN MY FREAKIN’ BODY! I DIDN’T EVEN KNOW I HAD MUSCLES IN SOME OF THESE PLACES TO BE THIS SORE. AND WHEN DID MY LEGS TURN INTO TWO QUIVERING SHAFTS OF JELLO THAT NO LONGER SUPPORT THE SPASMODIC BULK OF THE REST OF MY BODY?

Calm down, boy. Achieve your center. Allow your spine to elongate through the top of your head and balance yourself lightly upon the earth. Feel that you are a part of the earth. Feel the grounded confidence in the stability of your pose. Be present in your breathing. Repeat your calming phrase.

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhmmmmmmmmmmm.

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhmmmmmmmmmmm.

OhhhhhhhhhhhhmmmmmmmmmmmyFREAKIN’GOD!! DID SOMEBODY JUST STICK A RED HOT SKEWER IN THE SMALL OF MY BACK?! WHO IS SLICING MY GROIN OPEN AND PLAYING “DUELING BANJOS” ON MY TENDONS?!

Like I said. It’s all my fault.

3 Comments:

Blogger newscoma said...

My mother used to do yoga back in the '70's. I did it once with her.
I'm just not good at being all healthy and stuff, but I did eat a granola bar in 1986 so I'm feeling pretty good about myself.

2:40 PM  
Blogger SistaSmiff said...

Howling....with laughter I am.

3:29 PM  
Blogger bridgett said...

Yep. But you know what would help? (Other than a handful of ibuprofen?) You're not going to want to hear this, but you'd feel better if you did a little yoga.

Also, how much water are you drinking? Bodies produce a lot of lactic acid (which causes muscle soreness) at the start of a new type of activity, no matter how active you are doing other things. You need to drink a ton of water and take a hair of the dog approach with really gentle stretching.

Yoga kicked my ass when I started. It gets downright enjoyable, especially with the flexibility and whatall.

3:47 PM  

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